I'm going to jail i love you
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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