Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
