please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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