My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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