I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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