i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
