Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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