Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
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