is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
