Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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