Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
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