Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Randomize
