I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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