i wish my penis had a tongue
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
