Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
