it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
