Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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