Umm I'm too high to move.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize