considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
