I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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