yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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