My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Dear god my vagina.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
We smell like vodka and hangover
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