She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
