oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
