the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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