Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
