What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
