If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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