Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
