So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
