In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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