my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
they need to just BURY HIM!
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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