he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
