Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize