He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize