Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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