I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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