the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
