guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
