she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize