My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
