WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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