I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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