He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
