Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
