i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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