Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Randomize
