About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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