In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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