It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize