i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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