party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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