Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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