grandma shit on top of the toilet
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
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