Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
