my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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