got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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