I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
