So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
